There will be a day, may it be weeks or months or years from now, when I will go onto Sakimi, and I'll be the only one there. I'll wait around, minutes, hours, but no one will come. I'll be alone, trapped in an endless void of emptiness. Of course by then, everyone else would have gradually began to drop from our circle of friends. Plagued by schoolwork, jobs, family concerns, they'll have no time to come and chat for a while. One of you would leave, then another, then someone else. There'd be one person left, one who I would cling to desperately. But even they wouldn't be able to stay. And then I'd be left by myself, no friends in the real world, no friends in the virtual world. I'd be truly alone. Or maybe I'll be the one who leaves, abandoning my friends in the darkness of nothingness.
And before that would even begin to happen, we'll lose interest in what brought us together in the first place: Warriors and Pokemon. Some of us have already lost our loves for the books about battling cats, even me. Our love for Pokemon remains strong, but how long will it last? Nothing lasts forever. And if our love for the last thing that ties us together fades away, then why will we even bother being together?
And beyond the comforting realm of the internet lies a scary world that rewards those brave enough to stand up in its face with a plethora of opportunities. I may have what it takes, but I fear that I will become lost in its spiraling labyrinth of indecision. I strive to obtain an education, to make something of myself... but there's nothing good about me. I like to draw, but I can't draw without heavily referencing off of another artist's work. On my own, I have little to no talent. I couldn't possibly pursue a career in this field if all I'm doing is basically stealing someone else's hard work and determination and claiming it as my own. I like to write, and I thought I was a pretty darn spiffy writer. But as the world becomes more exposed to my eyes, I've begun to discover where I truly stand. Compared to others, I'm as illiterate as the n00biest n00b to have ever roamed the forums. I feel ashamed to own a 'literate' roleplay, when everyone else is roleplaying with much more detail and emotion than I could ever possibly manage. There aren't very many other things I enjoy doing, unless sitting in front of a computer screen all day counts. And I doubt that would get me a career. I have brains, but I'm lazy and I try to find shortcuts through everything. I never use my best effort to work through things. This year, the teachers keep pressuring us to think about the future, and what career we want to obtain. I can't think of anything I'd be good at. I don't want to think about this sort of stuff. Not yet. I just want to be a kid again, where the toughest decision I'll make is what toy to play with. I miss being a child. I may appear mature, but to be honest, I don't think I'm ready to beginning taking steps into the adult world.
And I try to cling to these few remaining aspects of childhood I have left. I still collect plushies, and stupid slips of cardboard that have no actual purpose other than to sit there and look pretty. I play video games that are probably intended for much younger gamers. And people think of me as strange because of this. Of course, these same people only talk about reproduction, to put it nicely, and all things related to the process. But after all, isn't that our only true purpose, as living beings on the earth? To continue the growth of our species?
That's another thing. No guy in the right mind would ever consider liking me. I'm still regarded as one of, if not the ugliest girl in the school, and the personality I display in the real world isn't all too great, either. I appear as a cold, unfriendly individual who almost never speaks. I try to hide myself from the world. Of course, this isn't the real me, though. After years of taunts and teases, a cold, outer shell has formed around me. I'd love to claw through it and let my true colors shine, but the shell is too thick. I've become paranoid of humanity. If I hear people laughing, I can't help but think I'm what they're laughing at. The shell has become so terribly thick, I can't even bring myself to be who I really am around my friends. When they're laughing and having fun, I just sit there, staring vacantly. I hate what I have become. Maybe I'm just not strong enough. I shouldn't have let these rude comments and sneers turn me into the silent creature I am now. I should've been bold, and shown those bullies that I'm not going to let whatever they said get to me. But alas, it's too late for that. Nothing can reverse what has happened, and so I am stuck with this terrible shell wrapped around me like a cloud of ice.
The only place where I feel as if I can be who I really am is on the internet. This, the person you know and accept as your friend, is the real me. I feel safe here. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm not face to face with the people I'm talking with, or how I don't actually have to vocally speak. That's why I'm here so much. You guys, the computer... you make me feel so greatly happy, as if there is something left for me to enjoy. A single safe refuge to be myself. But on the contrary, the internet is a dangerous place. Predators stalk the web like animals stalking prey. I know of how terrible the internet can be, all the risks and things to watch out for. Yet I have surrendered myself to the web. While I have pretty much confirmed that almost all of you are ordinary kids like me, it was a risky thing to get into, and I still could find myself in trouble some day. Yet, that day is not here. Neither is the day in which I will find an empty chatroom.
That's why I should cherish each passing day with you guys as if it is the last.
Thank you for being there.